Thursday, 11 February 2010

absent gay men

Eight and a half months into parenthood, life continues at pace, an accelerated pace. The tiny helpless baby is now manipulating objects, connecting with people and three times the size of day zero, pulling heartstrings even more than at birth. I've been thrilled at the excitement people have had to be a part of the experience and similarly surprised at the lack of interest from many gay friends. Though some other gay dads have been awesome (though not uniformly) it's our straight and lesbian friends who have taken a much keener interest. The greatest support and excitement has come from the straight community including colleagues, patients and local community. The overwhelming response from gay male friends has been their absence. I sometimes wonder why that is. Sure there is the maternal factor, but the straight guys are also more involved and supportive. Some friends haven't even seen our daughter since she was born. I understand it's our choice to do the whole parenting thing, but with an increasing trend to gay parenting I have wondered what the issue is? Some guys still think parenting needs to be with a man and a woman - though we have 2 men and one woman - or a married family unit. Some may have issues with their own paternal ambitions having been given up long ago, others may just have no interest in kids at all. Issues from prior relationships with women and children may be a factor for others. Maybe this is just my own experience, does anyone else have an opinion or experience of this?

I'm enjoying being a dad, its a hell of a lot of fun. My sense of community though, is changing.


Lavi Soloway said...

I found single gay friends less likely to get involved the coupled gay friends. I also found that after coupling up I saw my single gay friends less and less and then with the baby even more so. They were on a different schedule most of the time, i.e. single-life-social-time. I'm wondering if single straight male friends would really be any different. I haven't many (any?) so there's not much of a sample for comparison purposes.

Anonymous said...

How many couples with children did you visit and admire before you were married? How many after you were married even? Like pictures from a vacation for most friends. Like the previous post says, as you have evolved, so has your world of relationships. You are now around "parents" and for the most part that means straight people with children. Also, most singles, straight or otherwise, cannot know what you are talking about when discussing parenting as the concept of absolute commitment and heart connection to a tiny being is hard to understand until lived. Single people in general can coo and dote for a period but the amount of attention and commitment to a non verbal being is difficult to handle long term. They have not had this with an adult yet. It is perhaps your expectation that is being changed as the people who care for you still care for you, despite your having changed. hahahahaahaha