It's not about P!nk

I've been gently reminded by a kind friend that I haven't posted here in a while. He's quite right. So where have I been all this time? 

I've been pursuing my own Olympic ideals, bumping up my triathlon training in anticipation of competing and actually getting to the finishing line for the Noosa triathlon in just a few weeks. And on from that aiming at qualifying for the world championships next year in London. People who know me well would be surprised to note that this training has included some regular pre-work cycling training through the absolutely serene Royal National Park. The surprise being in the early morning starts rather than the course of the ride. Mind you I'm not elite and not anticipating competing in Rio, but I am loving the feeling of getting faster on my feet and on the bike and aiming for a competitive result. Last year in Noosa I had trained well, and was in form until a few days prior to the race when a mild cold set off a chain of events that ended in me taking an Ambulance past the finish line, and on to 4 litres of IV fluids in Emergency. A fun experience on its own but not one I'd like to repeat. And so any patient arriving in my surgery with a cold or flu at the moment is finding me a little more distant (physically) and rapid than I'd normally be. I'm taking no prisoners. 

Similarly over the past year I've been sporting varying amounts of facial hair, and today experienced an unexpectedly cold face as I shaved it all off, matching my newly slick short haircut. I have to keep cool, keep hydrated and keep fast. I even took the opportunity in Samoa on holidays recently to run in the heat and humidity to improve my climactic conditioning. I have monitors checking my running speed, heart rate, run and cycle cadence... Obsessed? Almost. 

Jumping out of my skin? Totally. Loving it. 

Older

I'm known for my birthday parties. I've sent people on mad car rallies across cities, thrown them into starring roles in short films, had them shooting photo essays, learning to jive with same sex partners... and combinations of the above. Which brings me to this year where instead of the 6 weeks ahead planning of old, I've given 6 days of warning and little if all planned. I guess having a 1st birthday party to plan a week ahead of mine takes the focus off me. And I've been quite happy to be in the shadows this time around.

The youngster turned 1 a week ago, the date seemed to be a springboard for exponential development for her. She's learning so much so quickly it's hard to keep up. But fun trying. From a babe of complete dependence a year ago into a girl with character and charm today. She's obviously the apple of her daddy's eye, and more the focus of my attention than my birthday planning has been.

I've been writing this blog for a few years now, and my life has changed progressively over that time. People routinely assume that becoming a parent has 'turned your life upside down', but they just frustrate me. I guess I'm a big planner, and there have been expected changes which have been planned for and a lifestyle modified somewhat, but it hasn't really changed in most respects. It certainly has become richer. There are other factors that have equally changed my life involving most significantly changes in personal relationships with friends and family, and these to me have had a greater impact on me than parenthood I feel. Having said this though, other people have commented on positive changes they see in me in this past year that I guess I'm not quite so aware of at this point. Introspection isn't something I have a lot of time for these days. Perhaps that's a good thing.

So happy birthday me. Today's the day. And I really don't mind what happens or how I celebrate it. I hope you all have a great 24th of May. Do something to celebrate it for me, tell me what that was, and I'll be more than happy.

Small strokes, big steps and Bondi.

As a kid I grew up in a seaside suburb, but I never really spent a lot of time at the beach. Sure there'd be days we'd head down for a swim, but not as a regular thing. I was more inactive, a little overweight, and more introverted really. I could swim, but I never competed save for the yearly school swimming carnival and now and again the next level if I freaked a good lap time there. Training? Did people really do that? I certainly didn't feel at home at the beach or wherever there were swim squads or other sporting pursuits.

So today is a life far removed from my childhood. Above and below are photos of Bondi beach today (somewhat modified as you can see) after the ocean swim that was today's competition. I started swimming in senior high school when I realised I was a bit overweight and needed to do something about it. Training on my own I started cycling to school (it wasn't all that close to home) and then after school to the 25m pool which had me gasping at the end of each lap. It gradually grew from there, still without any formal training, occasionally with friends but no real physical challenge. Then in preparation for the gay games in 2002 in Sydney I agreed with a friend to train for it - actually go the whole hog, squads, gym, the works. He didn't continue but I kept on and ultimately competed successfully (it was a lot of fun but some seriously hard work too). I had broken my own self created mould. I'd become a competitive athlete. With time my love for things aquatic continues to grow, I live by the water, swim daily whether it be in the waves with crowds, on my own with the sharks, in the pool with fellow trainers or with with 7 month old Amélie who just this weekend got to try on her new goggles (and loved them). And on days like today compete with people who used to be completely foreign to me. I'm still that other guy too, but I do more things now and I love it.

Life is a series of small steps. Sometimes though we need to take bigger steps and see where we land. The start of the year is a great chance to take some new steps, then see where we are come December.

Friday

Reading the paper at diggies, my Morning Smoothie at my side, waiting for Jamie to arrive, enjoying just being there, just absorbing the energy of the day and the truly stunning day around me. I used to feel uncomfortable sitting in cafes on my own , but these days I don't give a damn. The ocean in front of me - waves folding onto the beach warming air and clear rays from the rising sun. I could stay suspended there all day. Jamie arrives and we both decide on smoked salmon eggs benedict. And it's the perfect breakfast today, our last Friday breakfast together for some months now as he's off training the Chilean Olympic team... and he won't be back until after the Olympics. Damn it. I'm gonna miss him. I'm late to work because we're talking non-stop and there are so many things to discuss before he leaves, and also in no rush to leave the beach.

When I arrive at the hospital it seems I have nothing to stress about as the day is relatively quiet (though the office staff under much stress for operational reasons). I get to spend time with patients I've seen before who need review, and need the time to explore various aspects of their terminal illnesses. They're all strong characters today in their own ways, which makes it a lot more fun and we're all joking despite the seriousness of it all. I end the work day feeling good and full of energy.

Then I go to gym where I do... gym stuff because well, does anyone really want to know what gym workout I do? But it's a light session today because this weekend we're back in Byron bay for our annual ocean swim, and I don't need muscle fatigue in the race. I decide against take away for dinner as I've got too much energy left after my sub-maximal gym, and so I shop and cook a stir fry of fish, choy sum, snow peas, slivered almonds, oyster mushrooms and flat rice noodles. I've not cooked this with fish before - but it works and I'll do it again.

The week has been filled with so many awesome things, life is progressing in ways I would never have expected 6 months ago, and I still have so many more things that I want to do... I still need more hours in the day.

The weekend is here. Another long weekend for us as we're staying on in Byron bay for 4 days all up.

Perfect.

Have a great weekend. If I'm not too busy chilling out I may post updates along the way.

Sunday March 30

The Red Eye from Perth last Tuesday was just fine thank you very much - Business class on a 747 is pretty nice (even though it's not international business class - more premium economy I guess) it was the crash landing into the new week that was hellish. Arrived to more work than I could possibly deal with, and then a rapidly developing laryngitis which took me right out of the work equation for a day or more, and then so far behind it was like picking up after a war. I still have a husky voice that makes men and women beg for more (and the more I give the less voice I have to give) deep deep down... Darth Vader eat your heart out.

Of course I then went racing today in the ocean blue - the race of all races - the one I've been training for all year right here at my home beach!!... and I'm sick, I'M BLOODY SICK, like I've not had much of an appetite for a few days, nose is digusting - we won't go there, but the muscle aches and pains are gone (or is that the aspirin I took for the headache this morning?) I still have my fitness, but there ain't no extra left for the surge to the beach. Mentally I'm not helped by the coughing along the course - not frequent - but a reminder that I'm not at my peak - even though I do try and ignore the reminder and push on - which I do - to finish a respectable 16th out of 'almost 300'. Can you complain? But I wanted top 10! I wanted to beat everyone in my age group! That run up the beach today felt like I hadn't been running at all, all year! Bloody hell, I deserved a medal just to get to the finishing line!

A cute guy from Tamarama surf club greeted me over a banana at the end - seriously - so I was pleasantly distracted from my aches and pains for a while. Then The Frenchman arrived, much later in the pack than he'd normally like - but he was sick too - so I was relieved that he actually finished (I think he wanted a cute lifesaver to bring him home). His family there to greet him - all the way from France - I don't think anything would stop him competing either.

It was the perfect day today too, warm and sunny with just a light breeze - we had a gathering for lunch at ours' and had the most chilled out day - with spectacular light a great group of people and a great birthday celebration for The Frenchman's dad. A sojourn to the beach here in the afternoon for some playing in the sand with the kids and swimming in the surf, the perfect end to the weekend.

Here we have The Frenchman's mum serving home made birthday cake with Champagne.

See, the light really was awesome!

The Finale of Summer and Mardi Gras

It's on everyone's lips: "What happened to summer?"

It's been a very wet summer. Rather coolish too. Right now I'm in a jumper and jeans when I'd normally be in just shorts... Officially today it's all over and this is Autumn. The reality is, the weather is usually quite warm right through until April, and the ocean warmest now. I swam this morning in the surf and despite the winter air it was definitely summer water. The surf a mere ripple compared to last week, but a pleasant contrast. Just one stingray sighting, and another great Friday breakfast at diggies sitting in the sun peaking through clouds. I'm not convinced it's going to get warm again though - I'm praying to whatever god will listen for a few more little rays of sunshine, but I'm braced for a continuing chill. I've been searching for sunsational photographic weather for more underwater shots, but they've been elusive ( should have taken the camera for the divine ocean race last week) . So I've really had no great additions to my photo archive for the past month.

I could take my camera to the Mardi Gras parade tomorrow - if we go... I have mixed feelings about going though. We've been asked to join some lesbian friends at the parade, and I'm actually more looking forward to catching up with them than anything else. We're not headed to any parties of the dance kind, despite me being probably the fittest I've ever been. I'm feeling more for a quiet night in with friends. The weather people predict a daytime top of 21C (70F) and low of 15C which is positively chilly for this time of year - and especially not good for the parade, with the potential of rain sure to cool things down even further...

But I do hope it all goes well, the weather is surprisingly warm and dry, the parade a huge hit and Kylie, Madonna, Bette and Barbara all join Olivia to entertain the masses. Maybe there'll even be a change in political climate, but I think in this case it's called preaching to the converted.

Despite the adversities I've had a great summer. Hopefully despite the weather it will be a great Mardi Gras. What ever kind of celebrating you're engaging in today, I hope it exceeds expectations (in the best possible way, of course).

Sydney Harbour Sunset

We spent much of Sunday baby sitting our nieces (1 and 4yrs) in Sydney. It was a relaxed time just being there with them playing, feeding, drawing, preventing injury, and bonding in a very simple way. We were both quite tired from the week before, giving us a very subdued, relaxed and anything-goes vibe. Kids are a great thing for grounding you, and it was a very easy and peaceful day. We headed to Kirribilli for an early dinner. The sunset to this very warm day provided a stunning harbour just ripe for my camera. The afternoons and evenings this time of year are great for being outdoors. As I stood in the warm wind, memories of my summer holidays came flooding back. I felt like I was camping by the lake where my family congregated for decades each January. I guess it made me a little nostalgic. Those precious times you have as a kid where time stood still...

Reconnecting

The past few days have been good for the soul. I've spent time with a few friends with whom I have a strong connection, but for various reasons haven't been in touch with at any great depth for some time.

Thursday morning one of these friends came and visited. The day was one of those unforecast perfect days - the weather report had said stormy, but not a cloud in the sky it was sunny and delightfully warm. And so we decided to venture to the national park beach. Having not seen him for a some time it was like being on holidays, and walking through a place he'd not been before made it all feel new to me as well.

The beach was pristine, with barely one or two others there, crystal clear blue-green waves rolling in. The water was chilly but we dived in and stayed a while, thrown about occasionally by unexpected waves as we chatted, floating and meandering in the water like contented seals. We got out and lay naked in the sun and then I started shivering uncontrollably. Obviously the water was cooler than I realised, or my insulation thinner, but to sit in the warmth of the sun and be shivering all at once was strangely exhilarating. And to have the space to ourselves was priceless. I smiled and laughed a lot as we caught up on things we had missed.

We could have stayed there all day.

Catalytic Moments

I'm sitting in one of the wards at the hospital where I'm working overnight. There have been 2 caesarean births I've attended - both boys and startlingly well, and other relatively minor happenings to deal with. Keeping me on my toes, but not really a challenge. When I'm working I'm dealing with the innermost workings of people in every sense. A physical, intellectual and emotional mix that varies in it's persuasion from one patient to the next. I can connect with most of the people with whom I interact professionally and often in quite a powerful way, but in most of these connections I am really the catalyst for things, taking part in the actions, but not part of the end result nor changed significantly by the process.

I enjoy doing what I do and being a part of this process for people. But sometimes I wonder if I'm making gains myself. Is there something I could be doing better with my own life? Am I doing enough? Should I stop and smell the roses, or should I up the ante and try to achieve more?

I guess its a question I ask myself frequently. But I tend to be a bit of an overachiever, and most people think I'm doing too much already. So the correct answer is YES I should up the ante...

I just need to find a focus...

When your best just isn't good enough

There are days when I really just feel like staying in bed all day. I guess today is one of those days. Being out here in the sticks (although technically it's more ocean, sand and trees) means that I am essentially alone at the moment anyway, so if I keep warm, it's just the same. In my head, alone. The Frenchman's at work and I don't start until a bit later in the day - and then I'm working all night too, but if it's not busy, then I'm really existing solidly in my own space again.

It's a kind of cloudy day today too. The air is cool, and it all fits the mood. At work I've had a record number of people seeing me who I've been diagnosing with major depression. Sometimes there's be weeks without anyone new with that diagnosis - but on Saturday morning alone I had about 4 or 5. But at the same time there are people I know socially who have been going through similar mood issues. Maybe it's all starting to rub off. I'm always the happy one, and that can annoy some people. When I tell them that I'm not happy, sometimes people are quite thrilled because finally I'm human! Not exactly encouraging me to share my feelings. But invariably when I do report any negativity, it just makes things worse. So today I'm blogging about it, well because I can, and I usually don't. Perhaps it's my real wild wednesday, which is characteristically outside the ordinary for me, and occurring on Thursday. Alas I was going to do all manner of things this morning - but my usual enthusiasm is gone. And nothing has been done. I'm even mid way through writing a post for 1234men on depression - but that's going to have to wait.

I know it will pass, but right now I just really don't care. Superchilled today is less super and more chilled. I feel like hitting the road and just going for a while. But there's nowhere else I want to go.

Spontaneous Dinner Party

We'd planned to catch up with some friends on Saturday night, organised much earlier in the week, dinner at our place was the go, figured we'd put something together on the night. Turns out they cancelled, but it was a perfect winter evening for a dinner party - and I just felt like cooking, (I rarely feel like actually cooking for dinner parties, though we often have them). So it didn't end there. We'd already had another guest locked in (Ursula) because she had called and was available and I just couldn't let her go to waste on a Saturday evening . Then I coerced The Patient Man and Brenton out of whatever they were to be doing, down to my completely experimental cooking extravaganza - (I think they came because they adore Ursula) - in any case we all get on like a house on fire - which it sometimes is when The Patient Man visits.

So I cooked more courses than a French Banquet, some of which were surprisingly edible, and none to any standard recipe - I did look up a few of those after I cooked, just out of interest - and no I was nowhere near the instructions, but creativity is embedded in my genes, and we all made it though - perhaps it was Ursula's Lemon Cake that settled all those tummies, yum. We had a cameo call from the Tasmanian Mountain Woman whose vacant spot at the table whimpered in her absence, but the night was a roaring success.

Thanks boys and girls.
Perhaps I have learned a little French after all.

Jam Packed

There’s a little old Toyota Corolla hatch in our garage, jam packed so full of stuff that if you open a door things will literally pop out at you. I used all my Tetris skills and a little magic to load a life time of possessions into it, and even managed to create a kind of safety cage to prevent cargo from decapitating the driver in an emergency stop. It belongs to my good friend Lynnette, who tomorrow heads south to Tasmania to start anew. A few years ago when we first met – I would never have thought I would see this day.

I met Lynnette through her husband, the cute runner who I met at the uni pool (as you do). I didn’t know she existed until at least a month or so of meeting her hubby, when she came with him to breakfast at my regular Friday breakfast café near the beach. She was loud, opinionated, hated living in Australia (she was from the States), hated the beach and I was the first gay guy she had knowingly met. She was homophobic, somewhat religious, and one of the few people on the planet who really annoyed me (Craig will tell you a story about that…). She was an American other Americans cringed about, and Australians rolled their eyes about. But she didn’t go away. (Some times I wished she would). We did things together with them both, she came to gym and the pool, she became a breakfast regular on Fridays. We all went away on skiing weekends, and embarked on various adventures together.

As much as she annoyed me, she also challenged me. She made me analyse my reactions to things, my reasons for my decisions that I had made, and I guess as she challenged me, I also challenged her. Where other people would have given up and walked away – she persevered to find the root of any problem, and then analysed it and sorted it, regardless of barriers that may have been crossed or issues that may have arisen from it. Over time we both changed. We have become close and discuss all manner of topics very openly, and regularly. She has become my gym buddy of sorts, though she still avoids swimming almost as much as I avoid running. As a journalist she has now written articles supporting gay relationships, she has started to enjoy Australia, begun to enjoy the beach (although she is still a mountain girl), parted ways with her husband, won journalism awards, and become friends with more of my friends – gay and otherwise – as I have come to know more of hers. her blog is listed in my 'blogs to watch' - Along the way - I don’t see her husband much any more, I guess neither does she, but of the things that you can predict in life, that Lynnette would be the one staying here with us as she prepares to move on to a new part of her life, was not one of them.

She has become a friend where I was not expecting a friend, a close friend who will be missed.

I just hope she makes it to Tasmania without any car doors popping open.