I do, but I do not.

Paused on the side of the road today I read an email urging me to complete an online poll set up by our Federal parliament on same sex marriage. There were '6 hours left' ;  I figured I'd not get much time elsewhere in my day so I sat there in my car filling out on my iPhone why I think same sex marriage should be legalised. I said with nearly 17 yrs worth of relationship I'd like to have that recognised by the state. But you know, marriage is traditionally to show the world you are committed. I think after all this time marriage would be an unnecessary 'look at us' moment and were it an option now, I'd really have to force myself to do it. Not that I'm any less committed because of it. But if the people who mean anything to me don't already get it, then a wedding isn't going to make a difference. 

I'm a little conflicted, and I don't mind suiting up for an event. But I don't know I have the energy to put into a day that isn't going to change anything I do in my life. Yes it might change the way people think of me and my relationship, but I've kind of given up on concerning myself with what people think. Do I want to be a role model? I'm not going to do something just because I think it's going to look like the right thing to do. I encourage people to make their own paths, not follow the yellow brick road. So even though I think getting married needs to be an option for me, I don't think I'm going to take it whether or not it is legalised. I want to choose not to get married, not be told I can't. 

14 years on...

In Gay years we've been together what, 98 years? It certainly doesn't seem that long. 14 years has flown by, but looking back there's a hell of a lot we've done in that time. We've broken all kinds of new ground for ourselves and the people around us, we've bought and sold homes together and lived in a handful of others, swum probably thousands of kilometres together, many competitively. We've made friends, welcomed new family members and fare-welled others, we've taken hundreds of flights together and tied up the globe with our flight paths. We've driven a car or two into the ground. We've raised our Labrador Norten, of whom we're very proud, and now have embarked on raising a child, which will certainly keep the next 14 yrs and more as busy if not more so than the first. We've grown closer together even when we're apart. It's been one hell of a time and I'm looking forward to the next 14 and beyond.

Happy Anniversary Mr Frenchman, My Frenchman.

Do you James take Adam to be your lawfully wedded Husband?

Are you still with [boyfriend X] ?

We've all been asked it, but I rarely hear it being asked of straight couples.

There is often an expectation of relationship splits in same sex couples. The fact that we have no formal means of being recognised doesn't encourage a sense of commitment, and I expect makes our relationships less valued. I certainly have been pissed off at weddings where my relationship has been considered inferior, even though it has outlasted many of those marriages.

And while I'm not sure about getting married personally, I'd like to be able to make that decision for myself and not have it made for me by a government or religious institution.

The Australian Greens have introduced the Marriage Equality Amendment Bill 2009 into the Australian Senate. The Bill aims to amend the definition of marriage from a “union between a man and a woman” to “a union between two persons”. This will allow all couples, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, the right to marry in Australia.

The Senate Legal and Constitutional Committee has set August 28th as the deadline for submissions for the Inquiry into the Marriage Equality Amendment Bill 2009. You can make a submission to the enquiry easily following via the Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby webpage which goes into more detail about this here, and has an easy to fill out form here which you can link to and fill out online. Even if you don't personally have a desire for marriage, I think it is important that we have the possibility of choosing it and the recognition that our relationships are just as valid and valued as anyone else's.

The majority of the population is now in support of marriage equality, but I know there are going to be loads of religious groups making submissions opposing it. Don't let them win.

Have your say now.

Click here.

You can also vote in the superchilled marriage poll top right.

Arrgghhh!!!

"Arrgghhh!!!" 

Everyone needs someone to talk to. It maybe to debrief on the driver who cut you off on the freeway, or share how great you feel after a great day at work and extend it to the discussion of relationships and complex emotional stresses. Just talking about these things, as trivial as they may seem at the time, can have a marked influence on our quality of life. I certainly appreciate the people who fill this role for me, and ensure that I can be the leaning post for them that they are for me. It doesn't always work both ways though, with my work I'm often the leaning post for people who have no-one else with whom they can share their inner emotions and thoughts. They're not always capable of filling the leaning post role themselves, but as they become more in touch with themselves the more capable they are of finding someone to balance things out with in their own world. 

The gay world is one that is often filled with doubts and insecurities and as we grow these are tackled and hopefully we grow stronger and more capable of supporting others within it. A big thanks to those who are there for me. You know who you are. 

If you don't have anyone who you can trust, you may find a local GP who can help out - or a counselling service who can provide an ear when you feel no-one else is willing or wanting to listen. For a gay friendly experience try the links below. Life is too short to not share our experiences.

Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW

Switchboard - Victoria & Tasmania

Gay & Lesbian Community Services - Western Australia

Gay & Lesbian Welfare Association - Queensland

Gay & Lesbian Community Services of South Australia

Can you get enough?

I've had a great break, and being away from web-publishing /posting for a while it has allowed me think about exposure & personal revelation on the web and indeed in everyday life.

 

During the break I read an article in the Sydney Morning Herald entitled Too Much Information (see the full article here), and it resonated strongly with me. It basically explores the concept of keeping things personal in an increasingly public world.

What do we think we can reasonably expect to know about other people, and they about us?

The gossip magazines know our appetite for celebrity news, their continued existence demonstrates that clearly. But these days it isn't just about celebrities. Reality TV shows take us into the hearts and minds of their literal guy-next-door stars, blogs tell-all about their authors as well as whatever information they divulge about others. It's not just what they're wearing or where they're holidaying, it's who they're having sex with and how they're doing it, what they're obsessing over, what's happening in their relationships & families, why they're having counselling; there really is no limit to the detail. Blogs and Facebook pages become forums on their owners' private lives, whether they like it or not, though usually triggered by self published information. The more we see it around us, the more we expect people to be forthcoming with all the details of their intimate lives. 

Personal information has become not a saleable commodity, but an expected part of routine social intercourse. Penile dimensions and sexual preferences often prioritised ahead of personality, occupation or, god forbid, political persuasion. Conversations that don't enter into the sordid are seen as bland, boring, conservative and oh-so-last-century. I was sitting chatting with The Frenchman and close female friend of ours in a public space last week when a woman sitting within earshot interrupted us to ask if we were a threesome. We were speechless. 

The future is looking to get even more invasive. Today's primary school kids email and text each other day and night discussing their latest crushes and all manner of topics, just a decade ago you'd rarely have seen a letter and even more rarely a phone call from these kids who are now texting 24/7.  How much information about their school mates will they know by the time they get to high school? 

I see relationships being shredded live on the net with all and sundry getting in on the action with intimate details let loose. People get hurt, and the world looks on and wants more. What's the juice? What's the Goss? Who's doing what to whom? It's okay, you can tell me, [I'll only divulge it if it feels right at the time.]

Have you ever been told that because you haven't shared your entire sexual history with someone, you're not really a friend?

When will we get enough? Will we ever be satiated with the information we draw in?

And do we really need it?

It seems what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas any more. The ability to compartmentalise various aspects of our lives is seen now as a bad thing, transparency is king. But laying our lives bare for analysis and criticism is not always productive and frequently boundaries are blurred and out of context we are misinterpreted. Do you want to have your manhunt or gaydar profile blended with your Facebook profile? Being able to share things deeply personal with a trusted few is something that enriches those relationships. Share them with the world and do people really appreciate it?

Are we happy to divulge our personal lives to everyone? Personally I'm increasingly not. There are elements that I'm happy to share where I feel my experiences may benefit others. There are bloggers who are extremely candid with their posts about their lives which can put them in the firing line from all and sundry. Certainly there are times when this can truly be beneficial, especially in the gay world where dealing with HIV, family and coming out can be significantly aided by following others' personal experiences. But where is the boundary between personal development and voyeuristic infotainment? 

I like a little mystery, uncertainty, the element of surprise. It's what makes the world an interesting place and people more intriguing. Having to make a little effort to explore all the hidden places in people's lives is a lot more interesting than having them served up on a platter. It is after all the journey that is half the fun, and I want 100% not just half of it.

I do... but I don't

The Good things about weddings:

• You get to meet people you haven't seen in ages.
  
• Seeing a couple in love making a commitment to each other.
  

The Bad things about weddings:

• You get stuck with people you haven't seen in ages, for ages.
  
• Sermons about "A man and a woman".
  
• Hours and hours and hours indoors when it's a fab day outside and you want to go swimming.
  
• When people suggest that you get married too.
  
• Catch a garter? Oh puhleeease. 
  
• Terrible DJ's and songs that only grandma, in her wheelchair, wants to dance to.
  
• Speeches by people who started drinking way too many hours ago.
  
• Having to go resuscitate the father of the groom or similar (this one happened to me today).
  
• Wedding gift registries.
  
• Gay guys can't officially get married here in Australia. Or is that a good thing?
  

Today's wedding was great though - even though I did have to work a little. There was no ceremony (that was something they sorted out earlier) it was informal - an afternoon tea, there were kids out & about having fun and no-one minded, and I got chat with people I really wanted to chat to. I missed the speeches while I was doing my thing. And I did manage to go swimming afterwards - 

Andrew (Boy) Charlton Pool is OPEN!! 

I'd say bring on summer but at 35 C (95F) today, it's already here!!

Out of your mind?

We all live inside our heads. Sometimes to escape we'll take things, or do things that make us feel somewhere else, but ultimately we all get back to that same old place we know so well. We may have partners, lovers, friends and family who all interact with us, but regardless of how many we have or how close we are to them, our thoughts largely remain our own. With edited excerpts making it to the outside world when we open the filters wide enough.

One of the big questions of life is: Who do we open the filters on our thoughts to? Who do we let know everything we are thinking? And do we really actually let them know EVERYTHING we think - or just a less edited version than everyone else gets?

When we open the filters up and our thoughts get out into the world, we're exposing ourselves to challenge. Our essential existence can be questioned and discussed, laughed about or mocked, or it may well be supported and encouraged and empathised with. But when you open up, you don't know which way it's going to go, and the uncertainty about the possibilities can be crippling.

One bad experience can make us withdraw way back, to the world within our own heads, where little escapes and much is processed, and reprocessed. But focusing on the bad is never the way to go - there are usually a whole stack of positives that we ignore for the one negative experience we have.

When we find people we can really trust, we can open up and throw our filters away. It's a liberating experience, a whole new world, but it takes work - time and shared experiences that you build steadily. And just at it takes time for you to trust someone - they need time to establish trust in you. You have to earn it. You need to keep their confidence. You need to allow them to talk without feeling the need to filter, without criticising or dismissing in an offhand way, but exploring what they say and what they feel... and by being truthful with them. Telling them more than just what they want to hear. It can be a bit of work, but it's well worth it, with relationships strengthening powerfully through it.

Once you have people who know you without these 'filters', you start to have less anxieties about what the rest of the world thinks. And step by step life gets easier and easier, you live less in your own head and more at peace. I think some call it enlightenment, but that's a whole other story.

Welcome to a rather cerebral Monday.
I feel a spectacular week coming on.

Talk to me

Have you been at a dinner party when your partner or someone close to you has said something that has completely shocked you? Taken you by complete surprise, because you thought you really should have known this fact already?

In my work I get to know people's inner thoughts - their issues with partners, children, family and friends, and I often get to know those partners', children's and family and friend's thoughts on them as well, so I get to have an understanding of both sides of the fence, but with the challenge of not being able to share my knowledge. Sometimes I feel like just telling everyone what's really happening in everyone elses lives - and they might well all live under the same roof - because ultimately everyone would be better off.

It is clear to me that there is so much that can be resolved by being transparent, by not having things filed in the 'do not open' folder. My suggestion to a patient today, that he inform his partner about a change in his management, because she might be able to identify problems earlier than he would regarding adverse effects, was met with wide eyed questioning look... It seemed obvious to me, but people do like to keep things quite partitioned in their lives, even from people who are incredibly close to them, even when it might really be very beneficial for them.

Which leads me to believe that a lot of people really don't know enough about those people who they think are really close to them. If you know how someone thinks, because they share their reasoning with you - then you're going to have a better understanding of any problems they might be having - or how to deal with problems as they arise. Too many people are guessing what their partners/significant others are thinking - but not actually asking them. Some partners aren't so good at being receptive to such questions either, becoming protective or patronising, or answering with things like "oh, you should know what I want" - which isn't exactly encouraging one to ask similar questions ever again, leading to further future misunderstandings.

My personal feeling is that too much information is never too much. (Although you do need to be selective with whom you share it - ie not the whole neighbourhood.) Sure, you don't have to speak your thoughts as you are developing them, but the more transparent you are with those close to you and the more they are with you - the less likely you are going to have misunderstandings and less likely you are to grow apart. But it's got to work both ways - no question should be dismissed, even if you think you've answered it a thousand times before.

I guess we need to give up our sense of needing to protect ourselves from criticism. At the base of this I guess is trust - you need to have trust in those people around you for this to work out... but if you don't have that - why are they still around?

So next time when you find out at a dinner party that your partner used to date a pro footballer, know his name and what his preferred activities were, and feel free not to share them with the neighbourhood.