Saturday, 23 May 2015

All Official Celebrations are Over. Santa is Sacked.


Okay so it's about to be my birthday, but I'm declaring an end to all official days of celebration.
For Adults, Kids, EVERYONE.

Christmas is over. Forever. 
It was nice while it lasted, but it had to go. In our culture of overconsumption we have everything we need - and then some, so Christmas gifts are out. Down here in Australia for Christmas we have fake snow, fake icicles, everything to make it look like winter, in the middle of summer. Stoopid. There will be Glacier Saving CO2 emission reductions from the end of travel to myriad destinations where we are expected but mostly don't want to be on Christmas Day. Waistlines will be sharpened with the end of gluttonous overeating celebrating the birth of someone most of us don't believe existed. We can forget being more 'straight' or polite for those relatives who are not so tolerant, or of whom we are less tolerant; and annual family Christmas arguments will become myth. Peace and quiet will fill the land!
Santa: You're Sacked.

Pack your bags Easter Bunny. 
Who eats boatloads of chocolate to celebrate the death of someone? If you're truly stricken with grief you'll have no appetite at all. We are pulling the plug, there'll be a fall in diabetes and obesity; and hot cross buns can be replaced with HOT BUNS mmmm.
Anyone for rabbit stew?

Father's Day / Mother's Day.
Really it's just like Christmas, but for those who aren't procreationally challenged. Blatant discrimination. The pressure to be nice and declare one's parents are the best in the world are features for this celebration. Maybe they are, but maybe they're not.  If your kids are rejects, they'll turn up on mother's/father's day expecting a free feed that you'll have to prepare. Be kind to your parents, if you want, and surprise them with gifts and your company when they least expect it. They'll be much happier. Parents' days are done.

Weddings.
Well, where do we start? If you like yellow brick roads, then these may be for you. But if you're really committed to the person you love, then people will see that and know that. You'll be lugging each other's groceries home in the rain and finding their favourite delicacy at that little shop at the end of that narrow lane with the one missing cobblestone that you always trip in. You don't need to spend 10 business class round-the-world airfares for a day of airbrushed photos with people you won't get enough time to speak to for more than a minute or two, even if you really really want to, to prove you love someone. Oh and at least in Australia if you're gay you can't officially get married anyway. Stuff it.
First Class Lounge: Here I come!

Australia Day / [insert your own] National Day. 
I appreciate my country for what it is. Unreservedly. I don't appreciate folk who drape a flag around themselves and pretend they're more Australian than someone else or beat their hands on their chest with pride at their country's achievements. Quiet achievers are far and away the ones I respect the most. Do it. Do it well. And make it even better for the next guy/gal. If you want to drink yourself into oblivion, call it alcoholism, not nationalism. If you want to wave a flag, do it for everyone, better still give the flag to someone who might not recognise it. Smile. And go build a wind farm.

Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is Abolished. Now the proof you are in love is no longer defined by a dozen long stemmed Crimson Roses being delivered with Lindt Chocolates to your lover's workplace. Facebook will no longer be filled with videos of proposals being made on this one official day of romance. Be like the stereotypical French and be amorous every day. Kiss in the street, on the train, in the park, make love every day. The gate is open spread forth the love, just don't limit it to February 14th.

Birthdays. 
It's the day you came out of your mother's vagina, or possibly you were cut out surgically. Hardly a day to celebrate, better a day to forget and move on. Oh that's right, we don't talk about vaginas or caesareans. Shhh, if you're quiet the day will go by and nobody will utter a word. "What about this weather!" "Look at all the birds and the bees... oh wait, no".