This Side of the Wall

I don't like barriers. I don't like being unable to get past things. I don't like not getting my way, but I like less not being able to express myself, or not be listened to when I'm trying to communicate something. Even if I am wrong. On those rare occasions.

I usually try to break through barriers, jump over them, knock them down, or mobilise other people who can make it happen better than I can. With my triathlon competition I have been breaking through my own barriers - yes I can run, yes I can be competitive yes I can put it all together and work through all the physical pain that threatens to be a barrier but can too be overcome.

But sometimes barriers can't be broken or cleared or overcome.

People erect impenetrable barriers. They lock me out.

Sometimes the reasons seem clear, sometimes I have no idea, but what I find entirely frustrating is when I try to shed light on the issue and the barrier is based on misinformation that noone has attempted to clarify, or the person is blocking any discussion, period. A brick wall defending their brick wall.

I have an eternally optimistic view that people will want to reconnect, clear the barriers to open up their world.

But then sometimes when these barriers have been erected for such a long time they become dark places that I don't want to go. The people behind them become obscure, distant and fading memories. Sometimes I wish them the best, sometimes I wish them the worst, but mostly I wish for clarification, resolution. But if the effort required to achieve this is so much, I wonder if it's all worth it and should I just push the barriers farther away and put in their place people who are transparent with their honest thoughts, who want to be on this side of the wall, not creating new ones, the people who replace darkness with light.

I have trouble letting go of the barrier-breaking me.