Thursday, 23 August 2007

When your best just isn't good enough

There are days when I really just feel like staying in bed all day. I guess today is one of those days. Being out here in the sticks (although technically it's more ocean, sand and trees) means that I am essentially alone at the moment anyway, so if I keep warm, it's just the same. In my head, alone. The Frenchman's at work and I don't start until a bit later in the day - and then I'm working all night too, but if it's not busy, then I'm really existing solidly in my own space again.

It's a kind of cloudy day today too. The air is cool, and it all fits the mood. At work I've had a record number of people seeing me who I've been diagnosing with major depression. Sometimes there's be weeks without anyone new with that diagnosis - but on Saturday morning alone I had about 4 or 5. But at the same time there are people I know socially who have been going through similar mood issues. Maybe it's all starting to rub off. I'm always the happy one, and that can annoy some people. When I tell them that I'm not happy, sometimes people are quite thrilled because finally I'm human! Not exactly encouraging me to share my feelings. But invariably when I do report any negativity, it just makes things worse. So today I'm blogging about it, well because I can, and I usually don't. Perhaps it's my real wild wednesday, which is characteristically outside the ordinary for me, and occurring on Thursday. Alas I was going to do all manner of things this morning - but my usual enthusiasm is gone. And nothing has been done. I'm even mid way through writing a post for 1234men on depression - but that's going to have to wait.

I know it will pass, but right now I just really don't care. Superchilled today is less super and more chilled. I feel like hitting the road and just going for a while. But there's nowhere else I want to go.


peter von a. said...

Next to super & chilled, you're human. We're allowed to have some off days even in your line of work.

And for this kind of mood swing a pill wont help, just some selfpitty, so take that extra nap, put on some music and look forward to the weekend spooning up with your man.

lynnette said...

hey you it was really good to spend some non virtual time with you this weekend/week....i like reading about your real feelings and thoughts on here...its a more real picture of your life, the non photoshopped version, and i like that. hope the mood is fleeting and runs briskly in the other direction, far, far away. love, l

Gabriel said...

how i've beat the winter blues: borrow the funniest DVD you can find, get the largest bar of chocolate and spend 10 minutes in a solarium. not to be done together :)

Sue said...

Maybe a few quick laps will break the spell?

brenton said...

Hey Dr. T. We may not be used to you being down and having things not go perfectly to plan, but we are always there for an ear to bend or a shoulder to lean/cry on.

Martin said...

That's actually a beautiful post. You should strip yourself down to your emotions more often. The interesting thing is that despite being down, your postive strength is still underlying.

You can always hit the road, and come to Cape Town.

Trevor said...

Thanks boys and girls.
PVA: I have learned to turn up the volume of my music - Run Lola Run has been distinctly loud the past few days. As for spooning; it's a cutlery free few days.

Lynnette: I'm not sure I agree with the 'photoshopped' version of my life here, but I like the analogy. People like the grit - I'm just hoping there won't be too much more of that.

Gabriel: I'm afraid your solutions weren't taken - my appetite decreased - I contemplated anorexia, but I like food too much, funny DVD's just weren't funny, and solarium... hmm.. never been to one but am ideologically opposed to them (in a cancerous way). But thanks.

Sue: I swam and swam - but while it helped with the 'must get leaner' ideas, it didn't resolve the other issues. Good think time though.

Brenton: Thanks gorgeous.

Martin: You know you're courting danger, I travel a lot and SA is in my sights... The next person knocking on your door...