Monday, 1 October 2007

What your doctor REALLY wants to say....

No you're not big framed, you're FAT.

Of course sticking a needle into you is going to hurt and especially so if you don’t stop moving about like a boxer.

Since when does ‘no contact sport’ allow for wrestling?

Sure I can give you antibiotics, I can also give you steroids, anti-inflammatories, benzodiazepines, antiarrhythmics and tricyclic antidepressants, but none of them are going to cure your cold.

You don't want to go to hospital huh? Can you make out a new will with me as beneficiary then? The odds are looking pretty good.

Yes it really IS possible for you to be pregnant.

I’m putting this IV in to HELP you, not because I like inflicting pain. I do have things I’d much rather be doing that coming here to defy Darwin’s theories. Sure it may hurt a bit, but it’s certainly not intentional. So if you threaten again to punch me if it hurts you, I’ll show you how a really bad doctor puts one in.

I know you've never been that weight since you were playing competition football aged 18. It's time you got off your fat arse and started exercising again!

Here's your medical certificate. It says "Adam is not fit to work, or suffer from any gainful employment, especially on sunny days or when the surf's up, because he has an incurable case of slackarssitis".

Sure you can go out drinking again on the weekend. Shall I book you in on Monday for that other broken leg?

If you had listened to me and actually taken my advice over the past 10 years, I wouldn't need to be calling for an ambulance while applying oxygen, anginine, aspirin and being unrealistically reassuring right now. This is your heart kicking you back. Oh and today you're paying the full fee.

No, its not that you're unlucky, you just make really really bad choices.

You've got to be kidding, you think I'm using you as a guinea pig? If I wanted to experiment with prescribed drugs on someone, it certainly wouldn't be you!

12 comments:

Peter said...

Thanks Doc, that's what I needed to hear!

Trevor said...

Peter: I'm sure you'll cope, pregnancy isn't all bad. ;-)

Anonymous said...

One day i will really say those things to my patients and quit!

Ben

wally said...

I am sure you'd like to bitch slap them patients.. who don't listen?
I wonder if kevin is havin morning sickness!..lol

wally said...

opps I mean ? peter..lol who the hell is kevin I don't know.. I think I need a certificate doc!

Anonymous said...

Hi Wally, you have no idea how close to the truth that is...when I was working in the ED, my friends and I came up with PRN bitch slaps for patients like Trevor has mentioned...I'm only an intern, but so cynical

Speeding Bullett said...

And theres us thinking that medical staff were angels and they loved everyone!!! (only if they are cute:))

Sue said...

Very humorous. I say be blunt but nice. They can take it. Good luck Doc.

Lau said...

I love your blog Trevor, these posts start off with me smiling and end up with me laughing.

And the pics aren't bad either... I expect AussieBum to announce you as a Brand Ambassador any day now.

Tom Cat from Bondi Beach said...

I think you must be incredibly patient, Dr. T., to not actually say these comments ! Most of us actually would.

Trevor said...

Ben: I expect being more bold may actually motivate some patients to change - and some may move on... But it could be a liberating experience... let me know how you go ;-)

Wally: I'm not sure I'd like to bitch slap my patients, but I think I could be a lot meaner than I am.

Anonymous Intern: There are a lot of positives working in medicine and the negatives are like horror travel stories - great to joke about in blogs and dinner party conversations. Enjoy it all!!

Speeding Bullett: Of course we're angelic, otherwise there'd be a lot more homicides in hospitals and doctor's surgeries...

Sue: Thanks, yeah I'm increasingly blunt the better I know my patients - but for some people there's just no hope.

Lau: Thank you very much!! It's always nice to get positive feedback. Very glad you get my humour. I haven't had any free aussiebum merchandise yet though...

Tom Cat: Yes I'm much more patient than even I can tolerate sometimes!

Kenny McCormack said...

I get ulcers from biting my tongue. I'm destined for a life in surgery!