What your doctor REALLY wants to say....

No you're not big framed, you're FAT.

Of course sticking a needle into you is going to hurt and especially so if you don’t stop moving about like a boxer.

Since when does ‘no contact sport’ allow for wrestling?

Sure I can give you antibiotics, I can also give you steroids, anti-inflammatories, benzodiazepines, antiarrhythmics and tricyclic antidepressants, but none of them are going to cure your cold.

You don't want to go to hospital huh? Can you make out a new will with me as beneficiary then? The odds are looking pretty good.

Yes it really IS possible for you to be pregnant.

I’m putting this IV in to HELP you, not because I like inflicting pain. I do have things I’d much rather be doing that coming here to defy Darwin’s theories. Sure it may hurt a bit, but it’s certainly not intentional. So if you threaten again to punch me if it hurts you, I’ll show you how a really bad doctor puts one in.

I know you've never been that weight since you were playing competition football aged 18. It's time you got off your fat arse and started exercising again!

Here's your medical certificate. It says "Adam is not fit to work, or suffer from any gainful employment, especially on sunny days or when the surf's up, because he has an incurable case of slackarssitis".

Sure you can go out drinking again on the weekend. Shall I book you in on Monday for that other broken leg?

If you had listened to me and actually taken my advice over the past 10 years, I wouldn't need to be calling for an ambulance while applying oxygen, anginine, aspirin and being unrealistically reassuring right now. This is your heart kicking you back. Oh and today you're paying the full fee.

No, its not that you're unlucky, you just make really really bad choices.

You've got to be kidding, you think I'm using you as a guinea pig? If I wanted to experiment with prescribed drugs on someone, it certainly wouldn't be you!