How to drive your Doctor insane

While in the waiting room, be sure to talk loudly, cough over fellow patients, and ensure your children jump up and down over the seating and other patients while you wait.

When greeted with "How are you today?" respond with: "I wouldn't be here if I was well.", or alternatively: "That's a stupid question!"

Ensure you say exactly what you think your condition is - especially if you don't really know - and tell the doctor how they should be treating you (for example "I have the flu, I need antibiotics") - debate the medications they are prescribing particularly if you have no idea what pharmacology means, or if you heard something on current affairs TV about a new drug that you think you should have.

Return with a problem that you had before - but for which you didn't take the doctor's advice - and complain that it didn't get better.

If you're coming for a planned medical examination - make sure you haven't washed for a few days, or have just done a really heavy duty exercise session with a smelly old pair of shoes.

If you've come from work on the farm/workshop, be sure to wear your boots complete with track marks detailing your every muddy, or better still greasy step over the carpet. Laugh when you see them.

If you have a cough and fever - cough directly over your doctor unapologetically - it's sure to work wonders. Similarly if your kids are coughing in the direction of the doctor - don't discourage it - and certainly don't give them a tissue and ask them to cover their mouths when they cough.

When your kids start to run about the surgery pulling apart medical equipment, books, papers and trying to turn off IT equipment, laugh and encourage them. If your kid is looking for something to play with - give them the doctor's pen, and if you return it ensure it is mucus coated.

After you've been through a list of a dozen or so complaints that you have, report at the end of the consultation , "Oh and by the way, I've got this chest pain now, it started when I was walking up the hill...".

Arrive late when the surgery is about to close, report "It's only a simple problem - I'll only be a minute" or alternatively "it's really urgent" and proceed to detail your life history of medical and family problems, none of which is urgent, and ask for a medication prescription you need that you've been aware of for the past 3 weeks, but that requires an in-depth medical review to continue.

On a similar note, if you've been sick all day and know you need to see your doctor, wait until just before closing time to turn up for review.

In the middle of your consultation send text messages from your mobile phone.

When your mobile phone rings (loudly please) be sure to ignore the posted signs and answer the call in the middle of your consultation, then continue a prolonged, inane conversation with your loved one while your doctor waits.

Your doctor is sure to value you as a prized patient who will get very special treatment every time you turn up.

I've experienced all of the above. It's truly a joy.